Flash Gym

A perk of volunteering time in Siena College's Athletics Department is that I am granted access to their gym. I take advantage of this kind gesture by moving heavy metal objects up and down and side to side for free, and consider it fun. I even found a little side room with plenty of machines and free weights, a spot where people sightings are rare. We'll call it "Sanctuary" from here on out, because it's almost always quiet, mellow and relaxed.

Well, the other day I was happily throwing around pounds in Sanctuary when I noticed a few guys with matching shorts and t-shirts loudly amble into the room. I was concentrating too hard on the start of my next set to pay much attention to them. A few seconds later, I was also concentrating too hard on getting through the first couple of reps to notice the entrance of 30 more uniformed bros. And I was working so hard to finish out the set that I didn't notice when someone turned on the surround sound stereo system that was blasting some techno-rap conglomeration. Finally, I finished my lift, and looked up to find myself in a jungle of matted hair and butt slaps. Lax Bros.

Lax Bros. The worst kind of bro. They had infiltrated Sanctuary by the sneakiest of means. Had I not been in the middle of a lift, I could have seen, smell, heard, and probably tasted them coming. Alas, I was caught off guard. But I couldn't leave. No group of grunting men forces me out of Sanctuary. Not on my watch.

So I hung in there, dodging what felt like 25 pound weights flying by my face. Sanctuary is not a big place, and certainly not big enough for 30 fully grown Lax Bros. Considering the combination of noises, including music, belching, and ceaseless Lax chat, I'm somewhat surprised we didn't blow the roof off of the building. I tried to focus on my lifts, but found it difficult to concentrate when woolly mammoths all around me were springing forward, grabbing 80-pound free weights, doing 3 bicep curls, dropping the weights on the ground and on each other, and then bellowing at the top of their lungs. It's just a tough lifting environment.

And then, just like that, the hair-whisking, fist-bumping, pro-spotting machines of human nature were gone. I couldn't believe it. They were like a swarm of hungry fire ants that got full. It reminded me of one of those flash videos that you see on YouTube where people just start dancing in department stores, for the soul purpose of catching it's workers off guard and confusing everyone in the store. It happens really quickly, and then it's over. We'll call it a Flash Gym.

And I now consider it fact that Sanctuary has magical powers, namely the ability to vanquish the most terrifying of mythical creatures, including the fearsome Lax Bro.