Working Without a Job

I have now had 6 different job titles without established functions. There's nothing more debilitating to ones feeling of self worth than to be at "work" with nothing to do. Now a seasoned pro, I've come up with a list of necessities for surviving a jobless job. Here they are:

1. Know who knows that you don't do anything while at work. Avoid them at all costs.

2. Practice your "busy face" at home. This usually consists of furrowed eyebrows, pursed lips, and upward-looking eyeballs, as to better see your brain hard at work up there.

3. Consider your current location. Find a more interesting one i.e. vending machine, bathroom, hidden corner.

4. If at a computer, utilize right hand for mouse clicking and left hand for lap cell phone usage. If intruder enters, focus on computer screen and click furiously while doing your best to hide the cellphone in your lap.

4.5 www.sporcle.com

5. Really draw out the simplest tasks assigned to you. Try to understand every facet of your assignment i.e. If you need to make a simple Excel spreadsheet that should take 6 minutes, take as long as you need to find the best built-in Excel formula to accomplish your task. Jazz it up a bit. In doing so, you'll become more familiar with Excel, waste time, and put off another hour of boredom. (Disclaimer: Only use this if you are fully certain there will be nothing for you to do afterward.)

6. Become friends with coworkers who won't ever have anything for you to do. The general lack of caring for what the other person does can lead to a fun "working" relationship.

7. Make an intricate and detailed schedule of what you will do after work and for the upcoming weekend. Never follow it.

8. Write raps and e-mail them to friends. (True story)

9. Dress as nicely as possible to insinuate that you are THERE FOR A PURPOSE!

9a. Be on time. It's counter intuitive, but tardiness is a slippery slope sliding towards not showing up at all, at which point everyone will just assume you've been fired... from a job with no function. That's depressing.

10. Most importantly, stop trying to network your way into jobs, because those people kind enough to take you in never realize the burden you will inevitably become. Just grit your teeth and apply to real jobs. Stop procrastinating and just do it already DAN!!!!